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七月翻译擂台翻译稿及点评

沪江ID:FrancisHuang

真实姓名:黄飞舟

We crossed the river and arrived at the station, where I bought tickets while he busied himself seeing to my luggage. There being quite a bit of luggage, we have to pay the porters some money, only after that could we pass. Then he was also busy haggling with the porters over the price. How smarty I was in those days that I frowned upon the way father was bargaining. I was about to cut in a few words when he finally finished wrangling and agreed on the price. Having accompanied me to board the train, he chose a seat for me which was close to the carriage door. I spread on the seat the purple fur-lined overcoat he made for me.

外编点评:

Out of all the passages, this first passage flowed the most smoothly. There were a few mistakes in terms of tense and choice of words, but nothing that detracted from an overall understanding of the story. Also, this writer had the best command of frequently used expressions in English, such as "I frowned upon" and "cut in a few words".

沪江ID:patrickwzw

姓名:伍志伟

We went across the river and into the station. I went to buy the ticket while he was keeping an eye on the luggage. As I had many belongings with me, he was busy bargaining with the porter about the fee. I was so self-conceited about my smart that I felt compelled to butt in their conversation, for I thought he was all thumbs in expression. He, however, settled the fee eventually and escorted me onto the train. He picked up one seat close to the train door for me. I then laid on the seat his tailor-made purple fur coat.

外编点评:

This passage was also fairly well written, but I made some changes to give the narrative a better flow. In writing effective prose, particularly when describing some sequence of events, it is better to use the active voice rather than the passive voice.It makes the narrative much smoother. When choosing the tense of the verbs, keep the voice active (for example, "kept" instead of "was keeping" or "busied" instead of "was busy").Also, smart is not a noun.It is an adjective, so you cannot say "my smart". Finally, although I understand your meaning when you say "all thumbs in expression", this is not common English usage. I would suggest using a more commonly used expression, such as "he was not very eloquent" or "he was unable to express himself well".

沪江ID:jianglingkat

姓名:江玲

We crossed the river, entered the railway station. I went to buy the ticket while he was occupied with looking after the luggage. There was so much luggage that we had to pay the porter extra money before we could pass. Therefore, he turned to concentrate on bargaining. I was much too intelligent and thought he was not eloquent enough and in urgent need of my interrupt. But he set the price finally; sent me to the train. He chose a seat by the door for me; I laid the purple wool coat woven by him on the seat. (Chosen from Zhu Ziqing 《A Figure Viewed from Behind》)

外编点评:

I noticed this mistake in patrickwzw's passage also, but you would not use the article "the" before ticket unless you were referring to a specific ticket. In this case, Zhu Ziqing was not buying a specific ticket (for instance, maybe a ticket he had already reserved), but one ticket out of many tickets. Therefore, the appropriate article to use would be "a". Also, this writer had some minor problems with the use of conjunctions. The translation "I was much too intelligent" is inappropriate in this case, because it doesn’t express Zhu Ziqing's realization that he was being conceited. Finally, interrupt is not a noun so it would not be used after the word "my".

下期题目:

1986年来华,是帕瓦罗蒂的节日,除了他患有心脏病的母亲担心受不了巨大喜悦的冲击没有来之外,父亲、妻子、三个女儿,家中的亲人悉数都来了。(剩余111字)

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